It's really frustrating having so many talented friends. I mean, I adore my friends, and I really love the fact that they're talented, but it really makes you realize how unimpressive you are. I can't play any instruments, I don't have any cool tricks or hobbies. I can't draw to save my life. I suppose if you need to ask someone about comic books or how to get to the next level in a videogame I'm your guy, but that's about as far as my talent reaches. Hell, even my little brother is learning to play guitar and piano. People always tell me I'm creative, but I've got no outlets for this creativity they supposedly see in me, so how can they even tell? Even my blog posts are sporadic and sometimes messy.
I was so sure of myself when I was young. I really believed that I had this creativity, this talent, that would take me places. I was sure I was gonna be an actor, or a singer. I was comfortable with that kind of attention, then. And I'm not saying I'm shy, because I love attention just as much as the biggest starlet, but I have a terrible discomfort with crowds. And stage fright isn't really a conducive trait for a performer. And I haven't acted in anything since, like, elementary school. I envy Hannah for her ability to thrive on the stage. She loves what she does, she loves the crowd, and I wish I had that. Because, as it stands, I'm going nowhere and fast. I'm gonna end up living the kind of life I've always told myself I wouldn't live because I have no other options.
I'm gonna work a 9-5 job, earn a steady income, live a mediocre life. There will be nothing impressive about me. I don't think I can properly explain how much I've tried to avoid living that kind of life. And it's not so much that I want the glamor of a performer, though that is a part of it, but I don't want mediocrity. I don't want to be someone who blends into the crowd. I want to be someone who turns heads when I walk, the kind of person you can't help but notice. I refuse normality, although I'm also pretty sure normality refused me long ago. But where do I go from here?
I need a push. Something that will get me really going on achieving these things. I need to audition for plays. I need to take vocal lessons. Maybe even pick up an instrument. I need to write more often. I need something to save me from the mediocrity I've been stewing in, because I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. I refuse to do it.
