I don't want my heart to skip a beat whenever I see or think of you.
I don't want to go to social functions and hope I'll see you there.
I don't want to think of you almost every second of the day.
I don't want mental images of you to flash through my mind when I finally do manage to think of something else.
I don't want to wonder what kind of kisser you are.
I don't want to hold on to every brush of skin or quick glance.
I don't want to fall in love with you.
I just don't think I can deal with it right now.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Crush Crush Crush
One of the hardest things I've had to deal with as a gay man is getting crushes on straight friends. Which, I suppose, does make me pretty lucky; my coming out was super easy, I've never had any problems making friends who've accepted me for who I am, and I've never been the target of an anti-gay crime. So, I suppose I've lived a pretty charmed life as an out gay man. Still, matters of the heart are always complicated and usually pretty shitty, sometimes for parties who aren't even involved.
When you develop a crush on a straight guy, though (or a straight female if your a lesbian, or a gay member of the opposite sex if you're straight), you're completely helpless. You know that no matter what you do, how you change yourself, how well you treat them, they will never feel the same way about you as you do about them. And because you've already accepted these truths, it becomes even harder to distinguish a crush from love. Or maybe you don't allow yourself to realize it; you pretend you don't know you're in love or not because of the futility of it all.
As you can probably tell, I'm no stranger to these affections. Almost all of my crushes have been straight men, and I've even fallen into desperately unrequited love with some of them. And it may be happening again. "Luckily," because I've been through this all before, I've become much more adept at handling these emotions. I used to fall into deep depressions because of them, wanting someone I knew would never love me back. Eventually you find ways to put "positive spin" on your feelings though, expressing them in subtle ways so you don't reveal them, but you also don't bottle them up.
I feel like love, real love, is best expressed through the object of your affections happiness. I know this person will never love me, so I just want to see him happy. I know he won't be happy with me, so I gladly accept whatever person in his life he has that makes him happy. I'll be the best friend that I can be to him, because friendship is the best love I can get back from him. It's not perfect, and sometimes you do have moments where you just think of the utter hopelessness of it all.
It's difficult to not see him without your heart skipping a beat or getting caught in your throat; you have trouble thinking about things that aren't him; you wonder what kind of couple you could have been, but you know will never happen. You don't want to, but your mind won't let you think about something that doesn't involve him. It's almost like a sickness you can't get rid of. But, speaking from personal experience, you will move on.
You won't stop loving him. But you can deal with seeing him on a daily basis without longing for something more. You'll think about someone else in those quiet moments when you daydream about falling in love. Maybe you'll even find someone else who catches your eye, someone you can find a way to be with. And a small part of you will continue longing for that person, and the rest of you may not be happy, but you will be content, which is a blessing in itself.
When you develop a crush on a straight guy, though (or a straight female if your a lesbian, or a gay member of the opposite sex if you're straight), you're completely helpless. You know that no matter what you do, how you change yourself, how well you treat them, they will never feel the same way about you as you do about them. And because you've already accepted these truths, it becomes even harder to distinguish a crush from love. Or maybe you don't allow yourself to realize it; you pretend you don't know you're in love or not because of the futility of it all.
As you can probably tell, I'm no stranger to these affections. Almost all of my crushes have been straight men, and I've even fallen into desperately unrequited love with some of them. And it may be happening again. "Luckily," because I've been through this all before, I've become much more adept at handling these emotions. I used to fall into deep depressions because of them, wanting someone I knew would never love me back. Eventually you find ways to put "positive spin" on your feelings though, expressing them in subtle ways so you don't reveal them, but you also don't bottle them up.
I feel like love, real love, is best expressed through the object of your affections happiness. I know this person will never love me, so I just want to see him happy. I know he won't be happy with me, so I gladly accept whatever person in his life he has that makes him happy. I'll be the best friend that I can be to him, because friendship is the best love I can get back from him. It's not perfect, and sometimes you do have moments where you just think of the utter hopelessness of it all.
It's difficult to not see him without your heart skipping a beat or getting caught in your throat; you have trouble thinking about things that aren't him; you wonder what kind of couple you could have been, but you know will never happen. You don't want to, but your mind won't let you think about something that doesn't involve him. It's almost like a sickness you can't get rid of. But, speaking from personal experience, you will move on.
You won't stop loving him. But you can deal with seeing him on a daily basis without longing for something more. You'll think about someone else in those quiet moments when you daydream about falling in love. Maybe you'll even find someone else who catches your eye, someone you can find a way to be with. And a small part of you will continue longing for that person, and the rest of you may not be happy, but you will be content, which is a blessing in itself.
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