I hate being hit on. I seriously do. I mean, I like attention. I like it when people think I'm attractive. I like being flirted with. I just hate the way some guys hit on you, in the most blunt possible ways. I hate it when I'm having an actual conversation with a guy and all of a sudden he's like, "You're cute," or "I think you're really sexy." Like, okay, that's great. But we were talking about something completely unrelated to your thoughts on my physical attractiveness. And you know a guy has ulterior motives when he just randomly says something like that. Especially in the gay world, that usually translates to, "Actually talking to you is boring, I just want to get you out of your pants."
And it doesn't matter if you explicitly tell them you're not into hooking up, or you're just looking for friends. They'll still try sending you pictures of their dick, or expect you to send them nudes. But at least those one's are blunt. The worst are the ones who you think are ACTUALLY interested in being your friend, so you agree to hang out with them. Get some coffee or whatever. And as soon as you do, they think that's their in. They ask if you want to go back to their place to hang out, and when you ask them to specify what "hang out" means they say something really lewd or coyly imply something sexual. Was I not clear when I said "I'm just looking for friends?" Apparently not to some men.
The worst part is, I would probably develop feelings for a guy who was just willing to be my friend and wait till I got to know him. I'm not like most people in my generation. I have a difficult time sleeping with someone casually, because I feel vulnerable during sex and I have a difficult time letting myself be vulnerable. But the guys I meet don't want to wait for me to be comfortable with them. As a matter of fact, from what I've heard from my few gay friends and what I've learned from the internet, most gay men seem to choose whether a relationship is worth pursuing on the quality of the sex.
For me, the quality of the sex is going to be directly related to the quality of the relationship. If I really like you, I'm going to really enjoy sex with you. You're not going to have to impress me, you don't have to do that really difficult sex position because you think I'll enjoy the experience more. I'm going to enjoy myself if you're enjoying yourself. If I'm going to have sex with you, it's going to be because I have feelings for you, not because I need somebody to help me achieve orgasm. For men, achieving orgasm is one of the easiest things in the world! We can do it with some lotion and tissue paper!
I guess, most of all, I'm just tired of guys trying to make something inorganic grow between us. They just want to rush things, but what I'm looking for is a friend-with-potential-for-more. I just want a guy who I can hang out with in completely non-romantic settings with, and then maybe one day I'll be like, "Oh, shit, I think I might be madly in love with you!" and he'll be like, "Ditto!" And then we can do all the sexy stuff. Or maybe just some of it. Some supposedly sexy things freak me out. (Water sports? WHO THE FUCK FINDS BEING PEED ON SEXY!?)
This may have gotten away from me a bit.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Can't Sleep
I've got New York on the brain. As I've said before, it's always been my dream to live in NYC, one that I've always found ways to talk myself out of. But I've just spent the last two hours laying in bed trying to sleep, and all I can think about is New York. I've been thinking about it a lot, actually. I was looking at community colleges on the web a couple days ago. I told my mom, sister and aunt earlier today that I've been thinking about moving down there in the fall. Maybe wait until the PFD hits us, that'll give me an extra grand or so to work with.
But I'm thinking if I can find a job here and save up the money (hopefully somewhere around $2000), then sell my car for $3000-4000, with that extra money from the PFD I might have enough to put myself up in a hotel for a couple weeks while I look for a place and a job. I know I wouldn't be able to get anything luxurious, but what the fuck do I care about luxury? I've lived in a cabin, I've lived in a trailer, I've lived in a shitty apartment before. I would honestly be fine with a little studio apartment, so long as the kitchen and bathroom were separate.
I just... don't feel intimidated anymore. Just the idea feels releasing. I'm so ready to be out on my own. I could be a waiter or a bartender or a barista or a baker or a fucking clerk. I'd still be in New York. I'd still be living the life I've wanted, for years. I know it takes more than just wishful thinking and talking about it, but if I seriously start planning on leaving this fall? If I put my nose to it and figure out a way to make this work? I can do it. I'm ready for it. I know it.
But I'm thinking if I can find a job here and save up the money (hopefully somewhere around $2000), then sell my car for $3000-4000, with that extra money from the PFD I might have enough to put myself up in a hotel for a couple weeks while I look for a place and a job. I know I wouldn't be able to get anything luxurious, but what the fuck do I care about luxury? I've lived in a cabin, I've lived in a trailer, I've lived in a shitty apartment before. I would honestly be fine with a little studio apartment, so long as the kitchen and bathroom were separate.
I just... don't feel intimidated anymore. Just the idea feels releasing. I'm so ready to be out on my own. I could be a waiter or a bartender or a barista or a baker or a fucking clerk. I'd still be in New York. I'd still be living the life I've wanted, for years. I know it takes more than just wishful thinking and talking about it, but if I seriously start planning on leaving this fall? If I put my nose to it and figure out a way to make this work? I can do it. I'm ready for it. I know it.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Scale
When everything starts beating down on me, and I have a hard time focusing on anything but my own misery, I find that changing the scale of my outlook can greatly improve my mood or thoughts on the matter. We spend so much time looking at what life is doing to us we don't really pay attention to what it's doing to others, or what it's given us. It's an easy mind-set to be stuck in, since we're all trapped in our own minds with our own perceptions, and sometimes it's difficult to expand that.
So, next time you're feeling down, try to open up your perception a bit. Just increase the scale of your perception, it doesn't even have to be a whole lot. The town or city you live in, for example. Chances are, there are people in that town suffering more than you are. There are people currently homeless with nowhere to go or nobody to help them. There are people suffering loss, people, at this very moment in time, trying to hold back tears or sobbing uncontrollably. There are mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers "celebrating" a birthday for someone long gone.
Or maybe you are one of those people. Maybe you've already had a platter of crap handed to you, and you're just trying to deal with it. Open up your perception even wider. Look at the world, and the suffering there as a whole. There are women in places like Pakistan who are raped and then charged with the crime of being "too tempting." There are men and women fighting and dying for a principal or cause they believe in, needlessly dying for a God who hasn't answered their prayers. There are children being sold into sexual slavery, being abused by the people who "own" them. How insignificant do your problems feel compared to theirs?
Some people may think this is a dark and sadistic way to lessen your own personal suffering. They'll claim that you're using somebody else's misery to lessen your own. And maybe their right, but there's more facets to this than just that. When you can envision somebody else's pain, it makes you want to help. You know pain yourself. You know what it's like to hurt and be hurt, you know how angry and helpless it makes you. And there are billions out there who know that pain, who know more pain and who feel even more helpless than you do. And you don't have to go out and fight human trafficking cartels and rescue child sex workers in order to help. It's not necessarily about fighting the evil that exists in this world, but lessening the amount of pain put into it.
"Be kind to those you meet, for everyone is fighting a tough battle."- Plato
Live by this creed. Next time you meet somebody fretting about something that seems inconsequential to you, don't dismiss their feelings. Help them. Lessen their own pain, because chances are, the problems you face look as inconsequential to somebody else as theirs do to you. It's really not a new revelation. Kindness, no matter how small, can be a catalyst of change. Imagine how different things could have been if someone had stood up a couple times for the Columbine shooters, who claimed they did what they did because they were constantly bullied? For anyone who was bullied and thought they had to lash out?
We all have a responsibility to be the best that humanity can be. Not a lot of people believe that, and even more feel like they don't have to be a hero because somebody else will. Others want to be a victim, because of the attention it will bring. Don't be that. Don't be a bystander when you know there's something wrong happening, when someone is suffering. Be a hero. Maybe you won't be celebrated, maybe you won't be considered courageous by others. But chances are the person you helped will.
Just be someone's hero.
So, next time you're feeling down, try to open up your perception a bit. Just increase the scale of your perception, it doesn't even have to be a whole lot. The town or city you live in, for example. Chances are, there are people in that town suffering more than you are. There are people currently homeless with nowhere to go or nobody to help them. There are people suffering loss, people, at this very moment in time, trying to hold back tears or sobbing uncontrollably. There are mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers "celebrating" a birthday for someone long gone.
Or maybe you are one of those people. Maybe you've already had a platter of crap handed to you, and you're just trying to deal with it. Open up your perception even wider. Look at the world, and the suffering there as a whole. There are women in places like Pakistan who are raped and then charged with the crime of being "too tempting." There are men and women fighting and dying for a principal or cause they believe in, needlessly dying for a God who hasn't answered their prayers. There are children being sold into sexual slavery, being abused by the people who "own" them. How insignificant do your problems feel compared to theirs?
Some people may think this is a dark and sadistic way to lessen your own personal suffering. They'll claim that you're using somebody else's misery to lessen your own. And maybe their right, but there's more facets to this than just that. When you can envision somebody else's pain, it makes you want to help. You know pain yourself. You know what it's like to hurt and be hurt, you know how angry and helpless it makes you. And there are billions out there who know that pain, who know more pain and who feel even more helpless than you do. And you don't have to go out and fight human trafficking cartels and rescue child sex workers in order to help. It's not necessarily about fighting the evil that exists in this world, but lessening the amount of pain put into it.
"Be kind to those you meet, for everyone is fighting a tough battle."- Plato
Live by this creed. Next time you meet somebody fretting about something that seems inconsequential to you, don't dismiss their feelings. Help them. Lessen their own pain, because chances are, the problems you face look as inconsequential to somebody else as theirs do to you. It's really not a new revelation. Kindness, no matter how small, can be a catalyst of change. Imagine how different things could have been if someone had stood up a couple times for the Columbine shooters, who claimed they did what they did because they were constantly bullied? For anyone who was bullied and thought they had to lash out?
We all have a responsibility to be the best that humanity can be. Not a lot of people believe that, and even more feel like they don't have to be a hero because somebody else will. Others want to be a victim, because of the attention it will bring. Don't be that. Don't be a bystander when you know there's something wrong happening, when someone is suffering. Be a hero. Maybe you won't be celebrated, maybe you won't be considered courageous by others. But chances are the person you helped will.
Just be someone's hero.
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