Metamorphosis

One thing to know about me: I never let go. This is true of almost everything in my life. I don't like endings, so even when I leave something I don't consider it ending, I consider it unfinished. I've got multiple books on my shelf that I lost interest in after getting half-way through. They've still got bookmarks in them, because I'm sure that I'm going to come back to them at some point. I'm still friends with the people I grew up with in McGrath, and the friends I made in high school. Even if I drift apart from them or have arguments, I never consider a friendship truly over until one party says so; and, generally, I end up drifting back from time to time.

This is also true of my interests. This is, in part, why I'm having such difficulty choosing a career path and area of study. Take astrology, for example. Astrology was something I became interested in a couple years ago, and sporadically throughout my life before then. And, like most things I take interest in, I became disinterested and more-or-less forgot about it for a while. And then I started becoming more interested again recently. This is also true of my writing, and this blog is a perfect example. Look at the dates from my posts, and you'll find them scattered throughout months at a time. There have been times in my life when I have been entirely sure writing would be completely intertwined with my future.

It's not so much that I'm against having a writing career. Quite the opposite, I'd love to have a future in writing. I'm just skeptical right now because, knowing myself, I'm going to lose that interest again when something "shinier" catches my interest. Maybe that's not such a terrible thing. A writer needs to have varied interests, right? But if I don't work on my self-discipline and focus, I'll never get anything done! Which is kind of what I've done for the past 22 (verging on 23) years. The big revelation I'm trying to make here is I'm changing. Not slowly, not even subtly, but quickly and obviously. It's a physical, mental and emotional transformation, something I can feel in my bones and my soul. A mixture of both big and little things.

I'm growing a beard and a mustache. Doesn't that sound like such a completely mundane change? But this is not only a physical change, but a change in mentality. I used to hate my facial hair, having to shave almost every day just because I didn't want to look scruffy. Now, not only am I okay with looking scruffy, I'm embracing it. I feel better about myself when I look kind of scruffy, I think I look more attractive. I've pierced my septum, which was something I've always thought was really stupid looking until recently. After years of completely ignoring the fact that I'm nearsighted I went to the optometrist and got glasses. I'm considering some changes to my hair and some tattoos, decisions pending.

That's just the physical. Maybe it's my mind's symbolic way of coping with the idea of change. A symbolic "life, death, rebirth" kind of thing. Full circle, and all that. Physical change have always been a constant with me, as ironic as that sounds. My hair has gone through every color on the spectrum (and that's only a slight exaggeration) and my style has gone through goth, grunge, and overtly-gay themes. I have these amazing revelations almost every half year induced by my romantic nature. I'm not sure if this is what is happening to me right now. Maybe, once again, I'm simply following my own pattern. But I really do feel like this is a breaking point for me. For once, I've found an ending that I can not only live with, but think I need to live. I don't mean that in a "suicide watch" kind of way either, but it's only been recently I've felt like my life's started to begin.

I'm making serious plans for my future. I'm losing all those strings that were holding me back before. The insecurity is beginning to melt away, and after finally getting a good look at who I am, I think I'm finally figuring out who I'm meant to be. Or, better yet, who I want to be. I'm finally getting there, guys.