I'm scared. I'm scared that everything I've ever tried to avoid in my life, all that normality and mediocrity I talked about in my last post, is catching up to me now. I work at a gas station, not quite 9-5 but still incredibly menial. I suppose some people think I should be happy about that. I should be content with my completely unimpressive and depressing job and just be glad I'm a tax paying American citizen. But fuck those people. Fuck the life they think I should have, or the way they think I should live my life. Fuck me, for being incapable of getting out of this life. For being too much of a coward to have followed my dreams before, for not trying out for plays when I had the chance, or moving out of Alaska, or in the very least Fairbanks, when I thought I could.
As much as I disagree with the lifestyle choices Kylie's making, as well as the fashion choices she makes, I'm completely envious of her courage. How she was able to pack up and leave her life in Fairbanks behind and just start new and fresh in San Francisco. I'd love to be able to do that. Maybe I can. Work off the student loans I've accumulated so far and see what they'd make of me in San Fran? Maybe even apply for school down there? Kylie's one of the few success stories I know of, though. Most people who've moved to the lower 48, that I know of, have ended up moving back due to homesickness or financial reasons. People I would consider much stronger people than I. What's more, I've made this case to myself before, also. I told myself I was gonna move out of Alaska in a year... two years ago.
I barely even know how to be an adult. Credit? It's probably crap, in all honesty. I'm pretty sure I'm in debt, and I haven't even started paying off my student loans yet. Still, there's always those stories that give you hope, that make you wonder if maybe you could also be special, meant for great things. Madonna moved to New York with $30-something in her pocket. Chris Colfer was an unknown kid from the midwest, and now he's a huge gay icon who's best known character was literally written into the show he stars in because they liked his audition so much. I don't think I can hold a candle to Madonna or Chris Colfer, or any number of talented celebrities with humble backgrounds, but I don't know if I could live with myself if I didn't even try.
Which has always been my downfall. I fear failure, and so I never try anything. I never audition or try to pick up a new skill, especially a performing skill, because then not only is there the possibility of failure, but there's the possibility of failing in front of an audience. Fear has always been the primary motivator of my inaction, so it only makes sense that the only way I could get out of this sickening rut would be an equally terrifying presence in my life- mediocrity. If it's gonna work this time, though, I need to stick to my guns. I don't have the luxury of giving up this time, I can feel it. So, here's my plan:
The next audition I hear of, I'm trying out for. I've already asked Hannah to keep me in the loop, and I've got a couple of the theaters in Fairbanks set to send me an e-mail alerting me of upcoming auditions. I need to go to school here for at least another semester, in order to get my GPA up. Then I'll start applying for schools in the lower 48, and scholarships. Maybe I'll even focus on theater magnet schools. I just know that if I don't motivate myself enough this time, I'm gonna fall back into that same rut I've been in and I'm don't think I'll ever be able to climb back out. Not the way I want to, anyway.
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