People Change

It's an undeniable fact of life. People change constantly, and never has this been more apparent to me than it was today. I had tea with Lavina and Liam at Sipping Streams, and while I had a good time, the conversation that used to flow so naturally between us seemed a lot more forced than it once did. Often times we would substitute conversation with interaction with Liam, Lavina often adjusting his toy or myself delighting in making him smile (which isn't all that difficult, but it's fun watching his little face light up). I realize now that our friendship had been bound in similar thoughts and experiences before. Parties we had both attended, people we both knew. Sure, there was some of that, but our commentary wasn't what it used to be.

And it makes perfect sense. For the past year, Lavina has been preparing to become a mother. I spent the last year looking for the person I wanted to be. She was forced to deal with parenthood, while I was still trying to figure out how to be an adult. After I lost my apartment, I distanced myself from the wonderful group of friends I had before and during my life there. I think, subconsciously, I had associated them with my failure, and tried to stave off further failure by keeping distance from them. I began hanging out with a new crowd- Meghan and Luke and Amelia and so on- yet my failures still persisted. Because it was never my friends that caused my failure, it was myself. My lack of ambition, as well as my inhibition and general naivete, made me miss out on some great opportunities and experiences, and a large chunk of my friends life.

Now, I'm finding it harder and harder to reconnect with them, though I hope they realize I am trying. But being almost completely absent through Lavina's pregnancy, as well as most of new-born Liam, is definitely a blow for our relationship. David is practically non-existent in my life, also dealing with parenthood and his future plans. Hannah, perhaps, has changed the most though. While she's always been dramatic and avoided sharing her feelings of pain, it's obvious whatever demons that have been plaguing her are worse than ever. Her chipper, happy personality seems more like an act now than the girl I once knew. Emily is the most recognizable, and perhaps still the most present, in my life- and for once in a very long time, she seems to be doing generally all-right. She seems the happiest I've seen her since high school, if not a bit stressed out.

To my friends, to The Court, I want to apologize. I've always had a multitude of insecurities that caused me to project an image that was never me, or distance myself from the people who showed me those insecurities. I can't do that anymore. I'm growing up, and more than that, I don't want to lose you all. I hope my efforts to reconnect have been noticed, and I hope you understand that my distancing myself was never about you- it was about me dealing with my own short-comings. Which, to an extent, I have, though there are still some things I'm working on. None of you seem to hold any of this against me, and perhaps you don't, but it's something I believe I will continue to regret. Especially being absent for Lavina's pregnancy, when I'm sure she could have used as many friends as possible.

This is me. This is me attempting to grow up and become a better person. A person who would like to continue being in each and every one of your lives, and hopefully make them the better for it. I know I've never been the most reliable person, but that's one of those things I'd like to change. I want you to know that I am someone you can start to rely on, though I know it's not as simple as that. If nothing else, I am more than willing to earn that trust. Because I know we'll grow apart- with everything happening in each of our lives, it's bound to happen- but before that happens I'd like to make amends. I know we'll never forget each other, we've got too many memorable experiences to ever do that, but when you do remember me, I'd like you to think of the man I'm growing into and not the boy who ran away when things got tough.

I'm ready for change. I'm ready for all of us to change. And I want to be there to see all of us grow into better people.