Self

There's something in me that's changing. And for once, it's a change I'm not afraid of. I feel more comfortable in my own body. I can look at myself naked in the mirror and not recoil in disgust. I can see things in me that others have told me they've seen, but have always been too full of hatred for my own appearance and personality that I never understood what they meant. I'm gaining this wonderful sort of confidence that I've never experienced before. I've always considered myself an outgoing person, but it's only recently that I realized what a shell I've been living in.

When I first came out of the closet, I felt like I had to defend this image of my masculinity. Not that it was especially prevalent to begin with, and it's not like I wanted to be some macho-bullshit-asshole, but I avoided anything that I thought would associate me with the whole gay stereotype. And then a couple of years ago, I started to embrace the things in me I found stereotypical, but I think I got overexcited at my new-found acceptance. I started playing this ridiculously sassy gay caricature of who I thought I was or should be or who I thought others wanted me to be. Now, I'm beginning to find this middle-ground that just doesn't give a shit about gender barriers. And, strangely enough, I'm finding that this whole perception I had of what being gay meant directly affected my self-image.

It's only recently that I realized I'm not actually fat. For the longest time, I've thought of myself as a relatively big guy, despite the fact that I've pretty much been a stable 150 lbs. since I was 14. Sure, I'm not a twig, and I'll never be a twig. I don't have the body type. But I thought that's what gay men were, or what they wanted. I thought I needed to fit this stupid "twink" mold because that's what other people were telling me I was. This also made me hate my body hair, because this was also outside of the twink mold. I have a lot of body hair. I guess in gay terminology, this would make me an "otter," but... fuck that.

I'm so fucking tired of being defined by other people. I'm sick of letting myself be defined by other people. It's become such a way of life for me that I would do it even when I didn't need to. While I was spending all my time with the Court, when I started to embrace the "stereotypical" aspects of myself, I turned into this Kurt Hummel clone because I felt like that's what people wanted from me. And the more I acted like this character, the more compliments I got. I was told I was "fashionable" or "witty" or some other compliment, and that was what fed my self-image. Not my own perception of myself, but this positive feed-back I was getting from other people.

I didn't like myself, then, but I could never figure out why. I remember having conversations with Emily and Lavina about how I just didn't like who I was, that I wanted to change, that I wanted to be myself, but I wasn't sure of who that was. I think, in part, I am still all the people I've been. I'm still the quiet, creative goth kid in high school who spent way too much time by himself writing poetry about suicide and love. I'm still the kid I became later in high school, after shedding the goth clothing, who got along with everyone and bounced around between social groups because he never really felt like he belonged anywhere. I'm the newly-graduated young adult, so full of confidence that everything would just work out in his favor without actually having to put any effort in. I'm the disillusioned youth who lost faith in himself when he couldn't even afford to keep his home. I'm the optimistic young adult who applied for college, thinking he was major in theater and become an actor. I'm the reflective, lonely young man I am now, who's about 85% sure he finally knows what he wants to do with his life.

The only real difference with all of those people I am and have been is only the last one has a sense of self. Only the last one has realized, or just started to realize, that he's not ugly. He's not stupid. He's not a bad person. He's not defined by what others see in him, but by what he sees in himself. He knows he's got some pretty bad personality traits, but he's got some pretty great ones, too. He's starting to find out what he wants, not just out of the people around him, but out of himself and his life. And that's a pretty fucking fantastic feeling, let me tell you.

Author's Note to the Court: I hope it didn't sound like I was blaming any of you in this post. I'm not. The entire purpose was to demonstrate that I was my own biggest hurdle on my race for happiness. I changed myself to match what I thought you wanted, but I think the person I was at the time was probably a much less likable person than the person I am now/am becoming.