Panic! at the Diner

I freaked myself out today. For just a moment. I was at the Family Diner, a favorite place of mine, with my sister and she went to the bathroom, leaving me alone at our table. Suddenly, I became incredibly aware of my septum piercing, like it was the most physically uncomfortable thing. A moment later I absolutely hated not only the piercing, but all the changes I've gone through that I've been writing about recently. It was the strangest sort of panic, this feeling that everything I was doing was wrong. I felt like my whole world was being ripped to shreds and I wasn't even really sure why, but it had to do with all the changes in my life. The septum piercing was just the catalyst. I even seriously considered taking out the piercing for a couple moments.

I didn't take it out, of course. For that moment, when I was panicking about all the changes I've been making within myself, I even considered undoing it all. I'm honestly not sure why, but for those moments all those insecurities I had before came rushing back. Everything in my life was just wrong. I think my brain just couldn't handle the stress of the real world for a second. It wanted me to revert back to a simpler time, when all it had to do was focus on daydreams and not scary things like the future or change. The moment passed pretty quickly, and by the time my sister got back from the restroom I was back to the Me I've been getting to know lately. It was just a strange panic I felt worth mentioning. It hasn't disheartened my efforts though- if anything, it's made them stronger.

I've been weighing in my head whether to go to Anchorage in a couple days to see my step-sister and step-brother, because their mother is dying and I feel like they'll need me there for them. The closer it gets to when I'm planning on going, though, the less inclined I feel to do it. Scared of the unknown, scared of what will happen if I leave while I'm scheduled for work. I hate my job, I love my step-siblings. How was this even a difficult choice? Besides, New Timmy is far more adventurous than Old Timmy. And right now, I am in dire need of some adventure.